Well I’m committed now! Having posted on instagram I’m going to write some blogs during mental health week, I have to go through with it!
So where do I start?! Do I start when I suffered debilitation post natal depression after my third daughter? When a lifetime of negativity came to a head and I find myself unable to function, except on the most basic of levels?!
Because before having children I had built a wall around me. I somehow managed to keep it together, although looking back now, it was just building and building until it all came tumbling down. It then took me a good six plus years of help and anti depression pills to unravel it all.
I didn’t speak to my family for years because I needed that time to reflect, accept and heal. I still don’t speak to some, as I still struggle to accept their part and forgive. Purely because they refuse to take any responsibility and I struggle with that. So yes I am still a work in progress!
However, I can honestly say, I am the happiest I have ever been. In the last 5 years I finally feel myself, am myself, accept myself. Before that, I kid you not, I spent the best part of my life playing a part.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have days I can’t face the world and I can’t get out of bed. I still know that my behaviour can we quirky and I still come out with odd remarks. And I absolutely know for a fact there are people who judge me, laugh at me and refuse to include me because, even if they like me, their own insecurities forbid them to include me incase it makes them an outcast.
I would be lying if I said it never upsets me because of course at times it does, that is human nature! No one likes to be the outcast, the one people laugh or bitch about when they think you have left a training session (yes that did happen a few years ago, they thought I had gone but I was in the loo!) The tears, the ruminating, my god went on for days after that happened!
But the difference these days is how I deal with it and sadly it isn’t a magic wand but years of hard work, using CBT, anti depressants and counselling and with all the best luck in the world finally meeting friends who accept me as I am, love me as I am, support me as I am and don’t give a shit what other mums say!
So before I end today, for those reading this and maybe can relate to some of it and face a similar situation. You are not alone, far from it. The world is full of us!!! Don’t be afraid to seek help and keep going until you find the right help. Small steps…..